Don't Box Me In

Someone once asked me if I thought this other person had a temper. Now mind you, Person 2 had supposedly never shown the angry side of himself. Always happy, pleasant, not a worry in the world. I answered Person 1, "Absolutely. I've seen it, and it wasn't pretty." And it wasn't. It didn't last long, but it was very much in evidence at the time. Just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover, you can't assume things about anyone.

My point--yeah, there is one--is that we cannot expect others to act a certain way all the fuckin time. Its perfectly normal to have more than one aspect to your personality. I think that we all have that one basic way of acting in day-to-day situations. Every once in awhile, though, something else oozes out--and that's when you get questions like the one above.

For instance, if you're known as a typically happy person who doesn't scream when they're pissed off, the day that happens, some folks will give you the wide-eyed stare and back away quietly. Why? Because you're "not like that". Guess what? YOU ARE. Maybe you're sick and tired of always being known as "the nice one", "the sweet one", "the little cute one", "the helpful one", "the generous one", whatever. Maybe some days you just want to be "the mean one", "the angry one", "the 'fuck you I'm not cute' one", "the one who doesn't want to help you", "the stingy one". Just so people will leave you the fuck alone.

I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard one or the other of the assumptions above. I wonder if that wasn't part of what fueled my type of depression: anger. Sometimes people don't take you seriously if they view you as cute or little or sweet or amusing. That is so damnably frustrating. I don't want to be cute, I'm 40-fucking-3! Cute kind of dies out once you leave your teens, or it should. That's when you want to be beautiful (or handsome), sexy, intelligent, respected...the list goes on.

And if you keep hearing those same qualifiers listed above, one of these days, you swear, you're gonna snap. I'll show them, you think. I can be a sonofabitchin motherfucker just like anybody else. Then they'll take me seriously. Some of them do, they give you the respect you should deserve all the time instead of just when you're angry. Others don't even take notice; they'll brush it off as you're just having a bad day. Then you say, "I'm having a bad YEAR, alright?!"

It's easy to slip into that mindset and stay there. The attitude is belligerent, the words confrontational and defensive, every part of you makes a 180...and then you discover that it feels good, for once, to say what you want to say and act like you want to act.

The trouble begins when you like it so well that you want to be like that all the time.

Being part of the blogs has helped me change the way I react to people. I feel I've become better at waiting to talk to people until I know I'm ready (i.e., not angry or hurt). It carries over into real life--well, most of the time. ;)

Please, don't let any one emotion grow out of bounds. Temper them with all the others to make your psyche well-balanced. Let the anger and defensiveness fade out, let some of the kindness and openness back in, because it's in there. It will never completely be extinguished. Know that there's somebody in your life who can still see it, and wants to see it again. They may only be a phone call away.

I say this a lot, but its true:

Its all about the love.