White Wedding

Over the years, even as recently as today, various people have asked me, "Are you married?" I've always said "No," of course, which invariably leads to, "Why not? You're so (insert appropriate adjective here) ." I've either answered, "Because I don't want to be married right now," or "I haven't met a man I could put up with for that long," or "Nobody's asked me." At this point, the questioner usually gives me a look of either incredulousness or disdain, depending on their gender, age, or own marital status.

See, in the South, a grand majority of your worth, if you're a woman, is based on who you're married to, who you're getting ready to marry, or who you've been married to before. "Single" is considered by many to be a disease more than a lifestyle choice. Older Southerners, especially, have a hard time wrapping their minds around that concept. It's just not done, unless you're "ugly" or "feeble-minded". Hell, sometimes that doesn't even count.

Of course, there's always the label of "that way." That's my personal favorite.

As I've grown older, though, I've realized that being married would be...good. Not an enthusiastic endorsement, I know, but "good" encompasses a lot of ground in my estimation. (Did you like all the "e" words? Completely unintentional, believe it or not.) I mean, everyone has their reasons for being part of a couple, but for me, marriage would have to be an equal partnership.

None of that "I'm the man, you're the little woman, you have to stay home, keep house, have my kids, have no life except being Mrs. Me, doing what I tell you to do, voicing no opinions," blah de blah de blah. I've always said that if I do marry someone, he's going to have to be more special than anyone else I've met. He will have to be a man who's secure in himself, who doesn't feel threatened by a strong woman. He will have to be extremely intelligent; funny as fuck; laid-back; well-read; an animal lover; a music lover. He will have to be kind, gentle yet strong in character, just jealous enough to stand up for me, supportive. He's going to have to "get" me. He's going to know. and be. what turns me on, both sexually and intellectually.

As for looks, I don't go for conventionally good-looking men. I admit to having a "type" that I'm drawn to most often, and those of you who've read my "About Me" list at the Big House know what that is. Physical attractiveness, in my book, is based on whatever you find attractive about that person, not necessarily their appearance. Who I think is good-looking may not appeal to someone else, but they do to me because they have "it", that thing that just flat does it for me. I can't explain it, but y'all probably know what I mean. And if the personality is good, then the face and body are good.

Before you say anything, I know you can't get every quality that you want in the person that you meet. But you need to make sure that they have MOST of those in order to be compatible and to want to be with them the rest of your life. Too many people settle, I've talked about that before.

I don't want to settle. I don't have to settle. That's where I feel I have an advantage over some people: I'm not afraid to be alone. I like to be alone. I've done it before. And I don't base my worth on whether I'm single or married. I like myself as myself, by myself or with someone. The man I marry will have to be the same.

If I met the right man tomorrow, and he asked me, I would marry him. Regardless of whatever else was going on in my life. See, I think that if you find THE person you're supposed to be with, you'll know it. It won't matter how long you've known them, where they live, how old they are, race, religion, political affiliation, "class", financial status. Whatever the odds, when you meet that person, your soulmate, the two of you will be together eventually. Nothing can deter that. I believe that with all my heart, and if that makes me a hopeless romantic (or maybe you call it stupid), then so be it. I've seen it happen too many times not to believe.

I still believe for myself. My soulmate's out there. I can feel him.

We just gotta connect.

I wonder...

Can he feel me too?

I'll wait and find out.

J

"The Heart Sees What the Eyes Cannot"

Falling, and memories of falling
Fill my night with emptiness and loss of persuasion
I am not aware of what surrounds me,
All I know is darkness, and the void, and alone.
Here in the darkness, the blackness, the absence of All,
I plunge my hands into the vapor, and hit You.
You are shrouded in the darkness, no feature visible, only the sensation of Touch enough to guide us to that meeting spot, that niche of convergence.
We collide gently in the blackness, a small earthquake pealing through our outstretched arms, hands, fingers.
Searching for a light in that unbreakable vacuum, a chance encounter reveals one soft, glowing illumination bright only for two, just enough to reveal the real you, the real me.
We shall collide softly, tenderly, in the light of our own making, a halo brought into existence by our faith in each other.

J 1.16.08

Give 'Em Hell, Kid

Hey everyone, I wanted to leave a post here that everyone could reference if they wanted.

First off, we haven't trashed our blogs. We just archived them. After reading what happened with someone else's blog comments, we decided that discretion was the better part of valor.

Second, thank you to those of you who've been so kind to us. You know who you are, and so do we. And we appreciate you all.

Third, a brief explanation of the ravages of high blood sugar, for those of you who aren't familiar with diabetes. Imagine, if you will, having the worst day of PMS you've ever had. F9r the guys, sorry, I don't have an equivalent comparison, just imagine you've got the worst hangover of your life. Your nerves are frazzled, you have the shortest temper known to Man, and to top it off, everything that happens around you gets to you, including what you're doing yourself. Now...multiply how you feel...by about 50. That's what going through what I call "blood sugar ricochet" feels like. Up, then down, then up again. You feel like you're in a fucking pinball machine.

Sometimes it actually makes me hurt. I can't explain that very well, just accept that it takes a heavy toll on your body, your mind, your emotions. Insulin's a hormone, so when those levels fluctuate, so do your moods. And some people wonder why I don't have kids. Could you imagine pregnant me with bad blood sugars? Mother, please.

And stress plays a big part in my blood sugar levels, which is something new to me as I've hit my 40s. It didn't really bother me when I was younger. Now, though, it comes at me with both barrels, and I invariably lose.

I personally feel that that isn't a good "excuse" for my behaviour. I'm usually quite adept at keeping my anger locked up and venting in more appropriate ways. Unfortunately, I sometimes give in to the urge to lash out at someone who pushes my buttons. Last night, I let someone push those buttons, and I wish I had walked away. Not because I want to take back what I said, but because I don't approve of the way I handled it.

I've made a promise to myself and my friends. I fully intend to stay the fuck out of any more drama, confrontations, questionable discussions, whatever. I will, however, defend my friends and myself at any cost. Please keep that in mind, because dammit, I am a motherfucking Punk. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. My convictions are how I live, not just what I preach.

But you know what?

Its still all about the love. Sometimes it just has to be tough.

J