Trust Me To Open My Mouth

Guess what I've figured out? I've managed either to embarrass or to piss off everyone I've ever spoken to. How about me, I've set a record. It's just that I have no patience for 'beating around the bush' or trying to ingratiate oneself to someone else. Most other people don't get that; they're of the opinion that you shouldn't 'make waves' by being blunt. I'll temper that tendency, but if you want me to hedge my thoughts, sorry, I'm no good at that.

Of course, the 'embarrassing' and 'pissing off' doesn't only come with saying the wrong thing. Comes from saying (what I grasp to be) the right thing as well. Someone else can say the exact same thing I do, but I'm the one who gets reprimanded for it.

I have a feeling that if I started talking like a Stepford wife, it still wouldn't work out. I'd say one thing wrong and there ya go. Fucked up again.

So if I've ever embarrassed or pissed you off, you who are reading this, my deepest apologies. I apparently don't have enough self-monitoring abilities to be a social creature. See why I stay home so much?

Thank Heaven for the Internet; this way I can anger and annoy people without ever leaving the house. *coughSARCASMcough*

Bittersweet Symphony

There are many things in my life for which I am thankful. I try to keep them in mind each day, in little ways, but sometimes that's hard to do. I remind myself, 'Hey, this isn't always going to be this way, one day he'll/she'll be gone, or I will, or the circumstances will change,' etc. And that does help me remember all the good things around me.

L is a wonderful gift I received 21 1/2 years ago, right after I lost my dad. She has been righthere ever since, if not always physically, then emotionally and psychologically. We've both changed a lot since 1988; we've grown so much and so subtly that it's been hard to notice at times. We're definitely better people because of our friendship. She's the Siamese twin I never conjoined with. ;)

Dumplin and Raindrop are little furry miracles in my life. Dumplin, especially, has helped me open my heart and my soul to love. He was the tiniest ball of fuzz at 8 weeks old; he could stand with all four paws on my ankle. Now he's 13 pounds of muscle and slinkiness--and takes up my entire lower leg when he lies down. I almost lost him three years ago due to severe illness, but he pulled through. I can't imagine him not being here. Rain? He's my perpetual kitten, full of love and cuddles. Not much goes on behind those green eyes, but he loves his Mommy and his big brother, and he's a whiz at catching special mousies. :)

I'm thankful for my home, having enough food to eat and electricity to stay warm, medicine and machines that help keep me alive, still having vision so that I can read and see my loved ones and the beautiful world around me. I'm grateful for living in the 21st century, where advancements are being made in everything. I would love to see cures for diabetes, AIDS, cancer, fibromyalgia, MS, all chronic diseases, in my lifetime.

I'm glad I live in the US, where women have rights, and voices, and freedom. I don't live in fear of being raided by the government.

I can drive and walk and shop and read and listen to music and sing and talk and see and hear and sleep and love.

My friends, many of whom I've met on the Internet, are so special to me and live forever in my heart. They lift me up when I can't keep from dragging myself down.

My family? They're a double-edged sword. They've been there for me as long as I'm doing what's expected, what's acceptable (either to them, to society, or to both). Once I stray off the beaten path, however...the support structure comes crashing down. So, sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I'm not. But that's just how it is. I'm learning to accept that situation, even if I don't like it.

I try to be thankful for both the good and the bad, because all of it has made me the woman I am now. And I like me pretty well. Usually. Every other day or so. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

xo jen

No Particular Place to Go

The anon situation is getting worse. They have the most warped sense of right and wrong, of decency, of hypocrisy--how I hate that word. Their only goals appear to be insulting, mocking, belittling, tormenting, goading, and lying about us. Not that that part's any different. No, what's different is that lately they've been sounding more vicious, more desperate to smear the rest of us thoroughly in the eyes of Mayo and SS. And honestly, if those two haven't made up their minds about us already, whatever shit the anons produce isn't going to change those opinions.

Mayo's too hard for me to read. He gives nothing away, at least not anymore. Used to, we could tell his moods or thoughts from his posts and from his occasional comments to us. Now we get posts that say things without saying anything; we get nothing challenging; we get no communication. He used to tell us he liked us to discuss his writings because he enjoyed reading what we got from them.

Not much to get from them anymore. It's hard to discuss a picture of rocks, y'know? C'mon, Mayo, tell us what you believe in now, tell us your thoughts on life, on love, on heartbreak, on anything. You used to talk to L; you used to talk to Elena. Not anymore. You give off a really half-hearted vibe these days, like the fire's gone out of your soul. What happened? Did we bore you so easily?

SS is easier for me to 'get'. Usually he puts it right out there, whatever the 'it' in question may be. He's not as cryptic as Mayo--thank Heaven, I don't think we could take two of them--although sometimes he'll whip out the old The geese fly at midnight, make sure the lizard's out of the barn routine. And then we all go, Wha?

It seems as if SS takes more time to show us he's there, but he doesn't come around nearly as often as he used to. Again, is it from being busy, or is it from loss of interest? He used to have fun with us; Hell, so did Mayo.

Maybe the ones of us left are too boring. Granted, we don't live exciting, adventuresome lives, but we do some interesting things, and we care about each other, and the guys. I've wondered what would happen if I just kinda...wandered away from the place. I can talk to my girlfriends on emails, or at Seven. Mayo's only ever spoken to me once in two years, so, yeah. SS? I would miss talking to him, and hearing back from him when he could. It's been so long since I've actually spoken with him in real time...maybe he would visit me at my blog, if I left. Yep, he'll just hop on over, sign right in, and write all night. Yep. Sure will. >.<

I don't know, it's something I need to think about. I know that most times when I go to Mayo's, anons aren't far behind. And then all the shit starts again. And I just don't want to deal with it. I know I'd miss it if I left for good, though.

What a place, what a place. I can leave it, but it keeps dragging me back.

The New Pictures...

...of Frank are really, really good. He looks happier, more relaxed, healthy, confident.

And oh so very handsome. ;)