Today the realization hit me that I will probably always be alone.
Not in terms of friends or family. In terms of having someone special to share my life with, a "one true love", my soulmate. My chances of ever finding him are so narrow; I mean, let's face it, I'm almost 44.
My luck has never been good.
Maybe I'm not supposed to find him. Maybe I'm supposed to live out the rest of my life without true love.
Maybe that sucks. Yeah, right, no maybe about it. It does. But I can't change it.
It's hard for me to put into words what I'm feeling. Sorrow is at the top of the list. I always ask, Why is it this way, always, every time? So I guess heartbroken is next. Lonely. Taken for granted...kinda. Good enough to be a friend, but not good enough to be anything more. Always.
I don't know why I'm even writing this. Nobody cares what I say. Except the mean ones, and they rape the meaning out of all my words, and throw them back at me, and mock me.
Maybe I should just quit talking.
I doubt anyone would notice.
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Its all about the love.
OPJ Meets RHPS
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Lovesong--The Cure
"However far away,
I will always love you;
However long I stay,
I will always love you;
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you"
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For the Anon who left us this, thank you.
for The Original Punks
I know they like Henry Rollins
“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have."
April 21, 2008 1:25 PM
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For the Anon who left us this, thank you.
for The Original Punks
I know they like Henry Rollins
“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have."
April 21, 2008 1:25 PM
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Punk is something that you believe in not really dictated to you by something else. It's not a fashion style… it's how you live your life, how you choose to live your life, decisions that you make. If you even decide to acknowledge it as punk rock instead of acknowledging it as just being yourself… I mean, an old lady in the suburbs who decides to stop mowing her lawn because the town tells her to 'cause she likes the long grass... that's punk rock.
-Gerard Way
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-Gerard Way
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"...maybe this sounds dumb or naive, but when I started playing music and when I started growing up, all I ever wanted to do was to change the world in some way. Make a foot print. I think the worst thing you could possibly do is to live your life and have the world be the same way it was before you were here as it is after. I think that we’re here for a reason and if we don’t do something to make the world a better place, then we just wasted everyone’s time."
-Frank Iero
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-Frank Iero
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"Rise Above"- Black Flag
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"I'm your friend and that is what I do for my friends."- MarthaJones
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Always Remembered, Always Loved
'Brian'
'Herman Jr'
'Dominic'
'Eric'
'Noel'
'O'
'Herman Jr'
'Dominic'
'Eric'
'Noel'
'O'
About Me
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4 comments:
I wouldn't call Mister my one true love. Not even to his face because he'd laugh at me. No lie.
I asked him once if he believed we were soulmates and he said no. After the initial shock, I said "WHY THE FUCK NOT, ASSHOLE?!!?"
And he smiled and said "Because if soulmates existed, what would you do if you weren't mine, and I wasn't yours, and our individual soulmates came to collect on us?"
He was right. The bastard.
So, soulmates, one true love, Romeo and Juliets, all of it is all in your head my dear. People are in relationships and miserable. Others are out of them and miserable. You can't win either way.
Hi Jen. I'm so sorry you're feeling so much sorrow right now...
I wish I could take you in my arms and give you a great big hug.
I know I've said it before; I do believe in "soulmates". Notice the plural.
I believe we all have many different types of "soulmates". You've found one of yours in Lisa. Others in your kitties. And, there are more out there waiting to be found...
They're found when we don't look for them. When we don't seek them out. Which is why we should never spend too much time looking up at clouds or down a the ground. We could miss something, someone very special, who is walking right in front of us. "He" could cross your path tomorrow.
When it comes to "true love", it gets much more complicated. But, I do believe we can have more than one of those too. Actually, I know we can!
You are absolutely "good enough" to be more than just a friend, Jen. You are more than good enough and I'm sure you have been loved ~ in that way ~ by a man or two or three. Maybe you just didn't realize it at the time.
As for being almost 44, so what? A friend of mine recently got married (for the first time) at the age of 48!
Sometimes it takes a bit longer to find that extra special someone. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for them to find you!
Keep your heart open and it will happen!
Take care of yourself, Jen!
Hugs and much, much LOVE,
Wendy
PS: Plenty of us care about you and what you have to say. Please don't forget that!
Awww, I wanna say what Wendy said. But she already said it, so, I second it.
Nobody can rape the meaning out of your words. They will mean what they are supposed to, to the people they are meant for, I am sure of it.
You know, I met my now husband when I was 16, and it's not been an easy ride. Two kids and a million arguments-a couple very serious-but I always had that fairytale idea of love in a way. It didn't work like the books though. I've learned not to expect perfection because it doesn't exist. I think a true soulmate is just someone who gets you. Someone who can accept your faults and vice versa. Everybody is good enough, J, you just need to meet the right person and be open to it. It's never too late.
Take care of yourself, hun, you're a good person.
J, all relationships are complex Sometimes you can love too much and "lose" yourself in the process.
I think it's not about finding "true love", it is knowing that you have so much to offer any potential love, you compliment their life, and they, yours.
Love comes in in forms. You appear to have the ability to give your love free of any agendas, which is a gift, and which so many cannot do.
Keep your heart open, live and enjoy your life; it's never too late. One day, you will meet one that is open to love, and know you have finally come home :)
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