Am I Blue?

Maybe my problem is that I'm too naive. Maybe I've always believed in the basic goodness of others over the possible badness. I don't like to think that there are people in the world who say one thing to your face and then try to gut you from behind. But after being part of M's blog for about 2 1/2 years, I've learned the absolutely fucking hardest way possible that hardly anyone is what they seem. I trusted everyone when we first started. That was my first mistake. Thanks to the actions and treatment of some, I now trust minute numbers of people. I certainly don't trust new people. Each day I find out there have been more people who either don't like me or don't believe me. Then I start wondering, Am I really that horrible person that I was accused of being? Do I not see some character flaw in my personality that dooms me to be a cruel, heartless, vindictive bitch? Surely not, because no one's ever accused me of being that before. But it does get in there and chew on your subconscious. Why else would some of those I thought were my friends turn away and ignore me in favor of others who act completely horrific?

Some of those who swore they'd never let me down have all but disappeared from my life. Maybe I was just someone to fill in a gap in their lives and not someone they wanted to keep around. I'm no stranger to that treatment either, but fuck, I thought those days were behind me. And it surely doesn't mean I enjoy it simply because I don't say anything. It hurts me, really really badly. When I get hurt, I tend to clam up, hide away, so no one will notice me. If they don't want me around, they should be happy that I'm gone, right? Seems like I've always given more to friendships than I've ever gotten back--with one exception. L is the truest, kindest, most loyal friend I've ever had. Thank God for her; I'd never make it without her.

Everybody else apparently takes me for granted.

And I expect no one except L will read this post. But at least she will. I don't think anybody else gives a shit.